Silence..

The last five days, have been the most silent days in my life. I was down with viral fever and I was feeling really fatigued. I did not have the energy to talk. And, there were not people around me to talk. Wait wait. Before all this, stop reading if you have something important to be done next. It is not a post that will interest you, nor will this be a good piece of writing. So, back to where I was, my grand mom underwent a by-pass surgery over the weekend, and my dad was out of station. Me, my mom, and our home. I felt very lonely most of the time, but I was reluctant to even pick up the calls, because I was totally sick. A heartfelt sorry to all those of you, who tried calling up to enquire. Thank you.

But, over the last 5 days, I thought of a lot of things. I kept thinking, and I slept. Got up, to again think of something. I really did not have another option. TV and comp and books were out of the question, as my eyes were burning red. And ceiling-staring did not help much.  I kept thinking. I slept. I dreamt. Woke up. Thought of the dream. Back to thoughts again. And finally, I decided to write down.

A lot of issues are bothering me. A lot of them. I realiazed that none of them came all of a sudden, but were gradually accumulating for a long time, due to my own actions. And, I now know what has to be done.

I had a very wierd dream of me and nive saying good-bye to each other. And I dreamt of meeting my english teacher, someone because of whom I feel am among the blessed few. I fall at her feet and she, kisses me in the forehead. Ah. That’s what she always used to do. The second greatest woman I have known, next to my paatti is her.

I talk to Sandhya and sriram. Talking to my siblings, always makes me feel better by miles. Am really happy that we grew up together. Both of them have always been there to give me the support, and to guide me and aravind. Esp sriram. I somehow feel more connected to him, though, I hardly talk to him. And then, I realise I havent talked to sups and sangeetha, for a long time. Made a mental note to mail them and rahul as well.

And there is an unfortunate (or was it fortunate) issue at family. The discussion my family members had on it, enlightened me, like nothing else did for a while. And, yes, like never before, they all openly discussed things. Felt like a grown up this has never happened before!!!!

And him . It’s not getting any better. At this rate, I think, we will soon end up not talking to each other again gradually. Am okay with it. But what am not okay with is, the other person seems at will to discard things, make deliberatly blunt and rude statements. I have got used to half of them by now. The rest half will soon follow suit

And, Karna, the legend. Been listening to “ullathil nalla ullam” for a hundred times over the last 2 days. I took so much inspiration from him. His life, what a man. Fell in love with the movie yet again.

I know it’s totally non-sense writing. Sorry.

Adieu

 

Meerabhai – my first inspiration

I still vividly remember the day i got back from that hindi class, class five, after having learnt a lesson about meerabhai, the unparalleled devotee of the highest order – the versatile genius and the magananimous soul.  Every moment of the class was mesmerizing and I walked back pre-occupied. I came home, told about it all to grand pa, the only person who knows (knew, that is..) of the incident, till date. Went out with dad, to get meera’s sculpture, the very next day. Remembering it all, seeing that most precious thing in my life , adorning the ‘golu’ at home, for this navraathri. That will be the first thing, I would take to my home-to-be..

P.S: Thatha, I miss you too.

On the day of colours.

I don’t remember the last time I sat down and wrote with all my senses working together. I don’t think I’ve done justice to this blog or to myself. My mind just wanders away I guess. I think I’m just sick of everything. And don’t put in any effort in anything at all, for I seem to think it’s futile. But I can’t imagine that I’ve changed for the worse. Even if I have, the optimism and self.. I don’t even know what is still the same. So I don’t think I’ve changed for the worse. I’m better now than I have ever been. Maybe unfocused, confused and full of rage. But I’m better because I trust myself and I excuse myself, forgive myself and move on. So what if things from the past creep up at times? I know I’m alright. I maybe even meaner or just mean, because I don’t think I was like that before. But I’m a grown up. That’s how they are. At least I show it, even flaunt it! I’m here to prove nothing to anyone. I’ve had enough tolerance and learning. Now’s the time to acknowledge the change, to accept nothing but my own terms, and nothing but my own standards. I’ll thrive for any good or bad that I want and stop at nothing. For I’m not nothing anymore. This is me.. And I’m redefining myself.. For times ahead..

To those days of summer,

And those hours of rain,

Am returning,

To forget all the pain!

P.S : Nive, I miss you.

P.P.S: Ppl!!! Got bugged??

End of a dark moral age..

Inspired by mahesh’s post, the first thing I read this morning, I have decided to pen my views on the ‘you-know-what’ – homosexuality.

“Legalisation of homosexuality is an attack on Indian religious and moral values” -  endorse certain leaders (for once, unfrotunately, the religious leaders are in unison). Some go to the extent to say that it is a social evil.  Why is there so much fuss?? Aren’t they human beings too, who thrive for an identity? Don’t they too covet living with someone they love?

I am happy that the Court has upheld the values of human rights and the right to live with dignity and equal opportunity (at least in the eyes of the law). And, I don’t really understand why it is against our Indian culture. Is not love the basis for all religions? And is not true religion real living; living with all one’s soul, with all one’s goodness and righteousness? Do we have any right at all to disdain their pursuit to happiness?

Indian public is totally ignorant about the medical facts on homosexuality or it is having half-baked facts that are not dependant on scientific facts. And I am no exception. They say, it causes more cases of HIV/AIDS. But, wouldn’t the very same people come out of the closet after legalisation? Wouldn’t it be easier, if the ‘cases’ were identifiable?  This cavalcade of antediluvian attitudes and half-formed misinformation is supposed to serve as justification for keeping an unknown but large number of otherwise law-abiding citizens of India in a state of permanent criminality.

Hues may vary, but humanity does not!

Depressing optimism

What does this pic mean to you?

Life..

“Life is one long sequence of inner miracles”

Mood: Happy!!!

Dear God,

Dear God, I am feeling very weak and very hopeless right now. I want to end my life. But,god, I believe that You have other plans for me. I believe that You have better plans for me. Please forgive my sins. Teach me to depend upon You to live this life. Please be my Lord and Savior!  I pray. Amen.

Sindhubhairavi

My most fav movie.. And I watched it today.. It seemed to echo, whatever i had in mind. I know, this post makes no sense to any of you. Neverthless, feeling better!

And the point has faded away. Leaving behind memories, that would last for eternity. Life should move on..

Spanking – how gross!

Ashwin made me realise the first thing in the morning, that I haven’t had a glimpse of the newspaper for a week now. Since it had been a typical saturday of lazing around, I made an unwilling, yet a deliberate attempt to pick the paper. The first article that caught my eye was “corporal punisment kills Delhi schoolgirl”. A class 2 student from Delhi, shanno, isn’t anymore, for, she wasn’t able to recite the full english alphabet string. And, it is to be noted that, corporal punishment, is banned in India. Isn’t it shocking(read it as barbaric)  that the very people, we entrust our children’s education with, can actually almost kill them?

I get a feeling of mixed emotions, sadness,outrage and helplessness whenever I hear about premature,undeserving deaths. It’s just not their time yet. She is such a small kid! It might sound plain sardonic to make a fuss over this issue, and if that’s the case, you don’t have to read on.

And, I have never penned down till date an article on any social issue. I have always known that am bad in putting forth my views, as I am not a strong opinionated person. Neverthless, I wanted to give this a shot, becuase, I strongly believe that there can never be any justification for torture or for cruel treatment.

Corporal punishment, according to me, is the ultimate denial of human rights. It is the premeditated and cold-blooded treating of a fellow human being (when it is a child, the effects are adverse)  in the name of justice.  Violating the right  to live their life to someone, is the most inhuman thing to do.

The effects on children, are needless to say, the most degrading.They will lose trust in the adults who administer the punishment.  They tend to  learn that force is an acceptable factor in human interaction.They feel humiliated and lose self-respect; and they build up resentment that cannot be resolved at the time but may lead to severe misbehaviour in the future.

Corporal punishment signals to the child that a way to settle interpersonal conflicts is to use physical force and inflict pain. They may also fail to develop trusting, secure relationships with adults and fail to evolve the necessary skills to settle disputes or wield authority in less violent ways.

The incident, just goes to show that we still  have a long way to go, to try and ensure that good quality professionals enter the teaching  profession – instead of it being a ‘last resort’ , that it has become!

My sincere prayers for her soul to rest in peace.

And shanno, I really love your name!