Excuses

Please do not read further.

Human mind, I think keeps waiting for excuses. A month back, I decided to put on hold everything that I wanted to do, because I was really held up. From all the busy-ness, I feel completely free now, with nothing on the cards. And still no progress.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I find the word “excuse” to be really weird. I am sure you will do, too. If not, keep re-reading it until you find it weird.

Just  dropped in to say I am really bored!

p.s: I told you to not read.

Until later.

The IndiBlogger meet that was..

This blog that I write here is my personal page. I know, to each his own. But I am not particular about the number of people reading the entries that I write nor do I write things with the intention of making an impact on anybody. I write when I feel like writing and there is no theme or periodicity, sometimes not even sense. I have a confession to make though. I am a very insecure writer. It’s been five years, and the feeling that I have before posting something has not changed one bit. But, to all those who read my articles here, a big thank you.

Yesterday, early in the morning I had got a mail from IndiBlogger regarding some meet-up in Chennai. I have never believed meeting an online group of people offline, and especially, when I am not active in the site. But, this time I registered. Three main reasons. Siddharth was not here for the weekend. The mail spoke something about coming together for a social cause. And most importantly, the place was just two minutes away from home. And, I must say, I am glad that I did.

I enter the room, and I see only about four people. The first person I met was Sashi, who had organized the meet, who got everybody comfortable with his friendly demeanor. I quietly sat with Harshi, who later gave me an amazing company all through the meet and kept reminding me of myself five years back. Slowly, people started coming in. A very diverse group of people, young and old, with professions ranging from teaching and social media to biology.

I found a little awkward in the beginning. All of them seemed really passionate about blogging, and I seemed like an amateur. When people were discussing about IndiRank, and I had no idea about what it meant. I gave a sheepish “I don’t know“, when I was questioned on what my page rank was. I am technologically impaired. And, it occurred to me only during this discussion that it may be because of this, that I don’t write often. I see people having a lot of things in their blog and I see mine, with a bland page and too much content. I have tried fixing it up, a lot of times before, and I have made things worse than they were, and I left it. I made a mental note, that I shouldn’t be bogged down by the “not-so-cool” page layout/design, and focus on the content.

We had a small quiz, and it was an ice-breaker for a lot of us. I also couldn’t take my eyes off the “Petromax light e thaan venumaa” T-shirt that Sylvian, the quiz master was wearing  I got to talk to abhishek, whose blog I now realize I have stumbled upon before, and arun, who maintains the Daily photo chennai blog. And then we had the social cause talk. Amazing stuff. I shall write a separate entry on it later.

I feel very energized and inspired to write often now, shredding off all the inhibitions I have had so far. And I am enthusiastic about reading the blogs of people I had met today. Thank you guys. I had a great time, and you have left me in awe.

p.s: Today is Appa’s birthday. And I had such a pleasant day today. Early morning beach, Rathna Cafe, Srinivasa Temple and Vegetable shopping

p.p.s: I had met a girl called Kasthuri in the beach, and I have a story to tell.

Bye for now.

Note to Self

Sometimes in life, you see yourself doing things that you have no idea why you are doing. Sometimes, you see yourself worrying too much about the future. Sometimes, you think of how things were much better before. But remember, it is not just you. Everyone you meet is in the constant endeavour of fighting for a better life and in the pursuit of the smooth road ahead. This is a part of growing up. If you still can’t see any progress, get yourself “Pani Puri”. Even if you don’t get one, think of it. You will have a new purpose. Everything will be alright!

Happy Valentines!

 

Happy valentines day, all. Soup or not-soup, I think we should all celebrate. When I get 40, I would want to come back to this page and read what was so significant about this day in 2012. So, here it goes.

1. Durex condoms and messages both cost 1 Rs today.

2. I got so engrossed in Fashion & you. That site is pretty addictive.

3. All the women at office seemed to have dressed up pretty well today.

4. Roses in the morning were priced at Rs.30

5. 3 people I know at office fell ‘sick’.

6. There were “You mean my life” cakes everywhere. Overkill, I say.

7. Google came up with an amazing doodle. I loved it.

8. I had brief stints of George Clooney obsession. Ah, salt and pepper!

9. I decided what my next buy item would be – A quilt. Cosy and light brown.

10. J’s account getting credited 35k by her dad, made me J.

Well, the day comes to an end. And yes, I saw FB photos of Ashy’s first cake, at a befitting occasion. Looked yum And I also checked out recipe for chocolate mousse. I hope I get to make it atleast before the next valentines.

Good night all.

p.s: If your day went as mundane as mine, never mind There is next year!

p.p.s: Thinking of the “Rose day” at college, and how much money the club got to loot

Her diary

“I don’t remember the last time, I have felt so strangled. I have only now felt the feeling of my efforts getting failed. I, now know, what failure looks like. It is the time, when whatever people say seem to hurt me. The time, when, all that I had taken for granted, all my life, seems to come at a price. I feel disconnected, like the lone star. I thought I was high up, somewhere, until now. Discontentment, suffocation, hopelessness.

The greatest mistakes I have committed so far are two things.

1. Not setting up realizable targets 

2. Having held on to slippery things

I still don’t think I am going to change. When I think beyond this, I end up wasting my time thinking of what I would want to do with my life, when I would never know what I want the next minute. Sometimes, I wish I weren’t too much of a thinker.

I have always pushed myself to belong to the crowd, when I have always known I didn’t belong there. I wish I know how to make a fuss about someone who is just-not-your-type, or just get together and giggle about something that is not worth a penny. I wish I never went out by my own since school, so that there will always be someone who would be arranged to drop/pick me up. I wish I had been a fussy eater. I wish I had known the different levels of make-up to be put on.

That was all gibberish. Now, I honestly wish I didn’t blabber.

I never wanted anybody to move away from me for no specific reason. I never wanted to move away from anybody else. But, yes, to all those of you who did, a big thank you. You gave me life’s lessons in small cups. 

I only hope that there should be nobody else who is going through, what is happening with me.

P.s: To the one who said – “Efforts may fail, but don’t fail to make any efforts” – SCREW YOU.”

Note: I can redefine randomness every time.

 

 

A Layman’s Tribute

I am a very pathetic company when you take me to watch a movie. I don’t even know what screenplay is. I cry during movies. Get entertained, and come back. I have never read a movie review in my life. When people talk of re-recording, background score, editing, screenplay, it all probably means the same to me , as what floccinauccinihilipilification means to you. I am an ardent rajini fan. I love the out and out entertainment and masala that his movies offer. “Kanna, naa oru thadave sonna, nooru thadave sonna madhiri..” – I have watched like a hundred times.

But if I were to pick a movie, that has influenced me in more than one way, it’s unarguably – Anbe Sivam. I fell in love with that movie the first time I watched it. Even more, the second time. Kamal Hasan, epitomized perfection. How many ever more times, I watch it, the movie leaves the same impression that it did, the first time. Portraying an ideology that is against what is prevalent, and what has been fed since very young age to all of us, questioning audacious beliefs – only legends can create such stuff.  Well-defined characters, and a strong storyline. An impeccable movie.

Michael madhana kamarajani, and PANCHATHANTHIRAM – I have lost count of the number of times I have watched these two movies. Everytime I watch these movies, I invariably find a dialogue that I would have missed out the previous time. I used to listen to Michael Mad in my music player on the way to college. It could be someone else’s script even. It doesn’t matter. Kamal’s deliveries at the right time. Sensible humour from an established actor can only be seen in Kamal’s movies. And I have oodles of respect for him, just for this. People say, Mumbai express is brilliant too, but I haven’t got to watch it yet.

I still regret not watching Hey Ram. Somehow, I have never been able to see more than first ten minutes of that movie.

I read that today is Kamal Hasan’s birthday. Three cheers to the man, who has been a revolutionary. To the man, who has taken tamil cinema places. To the man, who raised the intelligence level of his audience. To the man, who looks more young with every passing day.

I am sure, he will be an inspiration to a lot of people, just like how he enabled me to question things that weren’t supposed to be, and got me more confused.

p.s: I am sure there are loads of other movies of kamal, that I have missed. Drop in the list, in the comments space.

‘

The other end of a cigarette

It started, the first time, when she had left me. I was 22, and just out of college. Desperately wanting her  back and not knowing what was to be done, I was craving for a way out. I distinctly remember disliking it the first time I held. The cigarette. Sitting on abandoned train tracks, climbing up the hillock to be the closest that I could get to the clouds, over the docks dipping my toes in the water, fantasizing a world where I was the hero, and her, the princess, all through, the cigar was my only companion.

As I sit by the window, I see Mimi playing in the ground. She got herself bruised day before, and she is running around like nothing really mattered. Mimi, my daughter. The only time when I felt proud, was when her tiny feet touched the earth. I wanted to quit then.

They say, time heals everything. All those who say so, make a fool out of us. I haven’t forgotten a thing. Not one. I wish I did though. I wish I had forgotten the first time I kissed her, Kiran. I wish I had forgotten the way I got embarrassed in front of her father. I wish I forgot the way she walked back, clad in a chic brown sari. I wish I forgot the way she turned around and gave me that last look. I wish I forgot seeing her yesterday with her son, and her husband.

I used to be an angry b*****d before. I used to get ruffled up for all possible reasons. But that day, that which put me to shame in front of her father, denounced me of my self-respect. I had to start somewhere, and the cigarette was an answer.

 Mimi is my, our daughter, the only daughter of my late wife Priya. Priya, the woman whom I didn’t bother about until she was alive. I used to be an addictive smoker, threw tauntrums, beat her, and she would still keep my plate of breakfast ready. She would act like nothing had happened, and considered it her duty since the day she was pronounced my wife. I lived three years, not happy, not too sad either. The time of my life, when I took everything for granted. For sure, Priya must have been through hell. I didn’t give her a reason to be happy. When Priya got pregnant, I was smoking about 20 a day, which was too much compared to any average standard. The doctor warned me enough, that it might affect the baby. And I had to give up. Ten months, I had decided, anything for mimi. Priya was happy. I was getting to live a life. I was being the responsible dad already, until, Mimi was born, and priya dead.

I feel less guilty now, because I had kept priya happy for at least a few months before she left me. I would have been dead of guilt if it hadn’t happened.

It was the whole cycle again, depression, and now, with a kid who didn’t have anyone else but me. I had held on to my career. But the cigarette pulled me back. It wasn’t easy to get away. It has been nine long years.

Now as I sit here, I am at the other end of the cigarette. The last one.

Some type of cancer, they say.

I wished I hadn’t had the first. I wished I knew there would be mimi then.

“Mimi”, I call out to her, as I see the clouds getting dark.

Sorry, I wasn’t perfect,

Lover, husband, father.

I so wanted to be.